The Mystery of the Stolen Condoms: Part I

    Matthew Fox, John Q, and Bill Crosby. Can you imagine whats more awesome than these three being roommates? Why their equally epic condom collection of course. Like most college students, condoms are one of the things college students constantly think about, right up there with sex, boobs, cars, and girls; in that order.

    Why condoms? well because if you PLAN on having sex with more than that ugly mistake from that night you don't even remember, than you need to have condoms.

    Condoms are your friends. They protect you. They stop you from going too far. They stop you from infecting yourself with the worst possible virus known to man. Trust me, you don't fucking want AIDS. If you're planning on sleeping with women then you need to have condoms. You don't want whatever the hell she had. I mean if she was willing to sleep with you then just imagine how many different kind of dick-i mean-diseases she must be full of.

   One night the awesome room of Matthew Fox, John Q, and Bill Crosby, and their awesome condom collection lost all its awesomeness. So imagine how fucking mad John Q was when he came home and found that the condoms were gone. He was pissed. Well, not super pissed because he didn't really need the condom for a girl he just brought home that night, but he needed it for some quick relief. But he was still mad.

    When something like you're condoms get stolen, shit just starts happening everywhere. The world makes no sense. Matthew Fox was mad when he found out but he quickly calmed down when he realized that he never really uses them anyway because he can never get girls, and also he had band practice so he just decided he didn't care and went to band practice and to not getting laid. Oh and His name is not awesome anymore either, like Matthew Fox, its now Brian Lin. Yeah...what a fag.

    Bill Crosby wasn't home when the shit went down. He's usually never home. Hes always haging out with random people. You would see him on campus randomly. He might be back home once in a long time. Then he would just disappear for days at a time. This is one of those times.

    John Q on the other hand had an immediate necessity. He could fap without the condom but who wants to deal with the spill damage?

    So John Q set out to get to the asshole who decided to steal the fucking condoms. John Q gets to keep his awesome name because he is still the only one who cares about the condoms. Those who protect the condoms will be protected by the condoms' awesomeness.

The Mystery of the Stolen Condoms will be continued next week...

The Nightmatt

Well it’s the start of a new school year. That means more classes, more skipping classes, and steadily falling GPA. Other than the obvious it also means more Matt moments. Since this is the first blog post let me explain. My roommate is Matt T. Hurst. Matt is an amazing trove of funny/interesting/crazy/idiotic/stupid ideas, thoughts, and actions. Here's an example.

One night Matt was fast asleep. Then some retard of a friend called him in the middle of the night, probably Brian to ask Matt for help on homework or something. Anyway, Matt decides to answer the phone. However since he is on the top bunk and his phone is on the desk below he decides the quickest way to get to the bottom is to jump there. Other than the fact that he decided to jump rather than climb down, what’s more intriguing is that Matt couldn't make up his mind as to where to land to finish his epic jump. So he squints through the dark and spots my chair and his chair and a black dark spot between them. Like any normal person he decides to ignore what he can see and decides to land in the darkness between the chairs where he can’t see.

He jumps. He lands.

Surprisingly enough he somehow managed to survive the 7 foot jump and land on both feet, initially at least. Then about 2 seconds later his knees start to feel like Jell-o, and he realizes that he toppled his chair during the jump and he is lying on the floor. I imagine the landing was pretty damn loud. I'm a heavy sleeper so sadly, I didn't wake up to see Matt sprawled on the ground clasping his knees in pain. But like many people who hear loud noises at night next to their bed, my other roommate Ali woke up with that look on his face like he was about to be attacked by homosexuals. Ali eventually calmed down, presumably when he realized that Matt doesn't have a dick, and went to sleep. Matt managed to struggle back onto his bed and go back to sleep, the mysterious caller completely forgotten. Fucking Brian.